Reflections. . .

A slight girl kneels down on the grassy edge of a pond partially covered with moss and lily pads.  

This girl is me.  

Tendrils of lacy green fabric drip gently off my slender body into a puddle by my bare feet.  Silent but knowing trees gently wave their steadfast limbs over me, feeling my struggle.  I breathe deep the scents and sounds of my impending escape from the bonds of solicitude.  My beautiful enchanted forest yearning to swallow all of my sorrows and insecurities.

On my hands and knees, I slowly bring my face over the edge of the pond, and into the eye line of a young woman who has set up residence in the deep, magical pond.  Searching her face for a sign of recognition while deep, mournful croaks of a single toad put my mind into a deep reflective state.  I stare longingly into the rippling brown eyes of this woman who seems oddly familiar, yet unrecognizable; silently begging her for mercy and grace.  The toad stares longingly at me; waiting.

Suddenly, my past claws it's way to the surface trying desperately to destroy me, grasping for my throat with vile intentions of suffocating me until there is no hope for reparation.  Violently screaming at this evil force that has tried to murder all of my hope, I swiftly throw myself towards the woman who is waiting for me with her knowing, brown eyes.  Her glassy face contorts and breaks, liquid shards flying incongruously.  The liquid sepulcher silencing at once my mournful regrets.  A dreamy, sanguine sleep takes over my troubled soul.  The covenant of growth and regeneration to be fulfilled in this, now, silent clearing.

The mournful toad watches kindly, gathering strength, preparing for his own freedom.  

. . . To be continued

If I Were A Butterfly. . .

. . . I'd thank you Lord for Giving me Wings. . .

I remember my Aunt Linda singing this song to me, oh, probably 30ish years ago now.  As I was seated in my daddy's lap, with the rest of the family gathered around these exotic relatives from the far away land of Montanta, I can clearly see the green/yellowish carpet in the old living room as my aunt was singing this song into my dad's silver microphone that was hooked up to an old silver stereo.  I intermittently glanced between my beautiful aunt whom I thought must be a princess, and the orange windows with funny lines and little blades going back and forth like windshield wipers as it recorded my aunt's chiming voice.

After my first son was born, I emailed my aunt to find out what this song from my distant memory was.  This was something that I HAD to be able to sing to my son!  She emailed me several stanzas, and I still only sing the butterfly stanza to my boys.  :)

Forewarning. . . I'm sleepy and contemplative.

After having an earlier conversation with my best friend about how I'm consistently awesome at exactly TWO things; 1.  I can justify ANYTHING and 2. No matter what happens, I can find a Silver Lining in ANYTHING; it made me think of this song.   Or, perhaps, thinking of this song tonight reminded me of the earlier conversation.  No matter which, I suppose.

If you don't know the song, it goes as follows:  


"If I were a butterfly, I'd thank you Lord for giving me wings. . . and if I were a robin in a tree, I'd thank you Lord that I could sing. . . and if I were a fish in the sea I'd wiggle my tail and I'd giggle with glee. . . and I JUST THANK YOU FATHER, FOR MAKING ME ME!  Foooooooooor, you gave me a heart and you gave me a smile.  You gave me Jesus and you made me your child, and I just thank you Father, for making Me Me.


Out of everything that has happened to me in my life. . . including but not limited to: sucky childhood memories (like everyone, I presume), at least a couple years of trying to find the answers in weed, alcohol and sex, an unplanned pregnancy (oops), a shotgun wedding (of which I heard a clear voice from God on my 'wedding day' telling me "NOOOO!!"), a son being born with a near-fatal heart defect undergoing open heart surgeries, a crappy marriage, another unplanned pregnancy (ooops again!), marriage still crappy, separation, unplanned pregnancy (GEESH, you would think I'd learn!!), divorce, overdose, rape, etc. . .   CRAPPY!  Right?  Admittedly, the crappiest part being that I cannot possibly begin to deny that my choices and actions were what lead up to a lot of the pain and suffering that I endured.

BUT, after ALL of that, (and a little more), I can still look back and find the silver lining in it all. . .  and the silver lining is that,


I.AM.ME!


No matter what other crappy things happen in my life, I am exactly who God wanted me to be.  There is not one person on this earth that is exactly like me, and to be completely and totally honest with you. . . I.AM.AWESOME!

I mean. . . even if my heart gets broken a hundred times over, or I get run over by a bus and happen to live, or one of my children dies before me, or 100 million other of the horrible scenarios that have run through my head at one time or another, happens. . . One thing is constant.  I'm still the awesome, strong, faithful woman that God meant for me to be. . . and I believe God when He tells me that there is NOTHING that I will endure that I cannot handle, and that He will be there right beside me, helping me through.

So, Yah!  Silver Lining, baby!  THANK YOU God for making Me ME!

(this post was brought to you by Insomnia International, and Delirium Enterprises. . . "When Sleep Evades. . We Make You Say SILLY Things!")

Go F*CK yourself, Internet!

When a 34 year old woman throws a temper tantrum to rival all three of her sons, it's time to stop and reflect on her life a little bit, and figure out WHY.

Current Stressors:

• Single Mom
• Full-Time Student
• Business Owner (this is used VERY loosely at this point)
• ADHD

and last but not least

INTERNET JUNKIE

This reminds me of the PSA that I saw on TV as a young impressionable girl. . . The one with the ballerina dancing around, and then falling.  The voice over saying, in an ominous voice, "No one ever says 'I want to be a junkie when I grow up.'"

How true.  Yet, here I am, all grown up and the first thing I can thinking about upon wakening is how fast to get my ADD Meds and Coffee on board, and Facebook into my veins.  I'm so far down that it not only affects my own life, but it negatively affects the lives of my children, as well.  My children who think that "outside is boring" because I've used the television as a crutch for the past 3.5 years, as a single mom.

I find myself brushing off my boys questions, and attempts for attention just so that I can finish responding on a heated status update.  Or, I make them wait for supper until I'm finished writing an inconsequential email about something that I'm fired up about that day. . . or I yell at them to get out of my room so that I can finish a show on Hulu that is not appropriate for them to watch, and all because I just want time to myself.

There is something VERY wrong with this picture.  Oh, if I were the type of woman who has self-control, but I'm not.  Plain and simple, I am not wired that way.  When I want time to myself, that's what I want, kids be damned.  But, I DON'T want to be that kind of mom.  I don't want my boys to grow up and think that they had a mom who cared more about her computer than she did about them.

So, what is my solution?

Unplug. . . Almost completely.  I've already deactivated my Facebook account, which I had convinced myself that I needed for my business. . . but I have been unsuccessful at getting my business started BECAUSE of Facebook. . . So, buhBYE!!

When I'm finished with this blog post, I'm going to email it to a few of my friends of whom I think may care, and then I'm done.  Finished.  I'm getting rid of the TV and all of the movies.  I'm calling my internet provider and canceling my internet (after I cancel my Netflix and Hulu accounts).

I will have my computer to do work and school on, but in order to connect, I will have to go to the library, or a coffee shop or a friend's house, but I will not allow myself to have easy access to the internet.

It will no longer be an option for my boys to throw temper tantrums after I tell them "No" to a movie, because they will soon learn that at mommy's house, it's just not an option; they're going to have to learn to use their imaginations. . and so am I.

And, I'm going to have to learn how to call my friends if I want to talk to them.

And, I'm going to have to learn how to focus on my work with music, not TV, as a distraction.

And, I'm going to have to learn how to fill up my time reading books, again, instead of status updates.

And, I'm going to have to . . . learn to be ME again, not the virtual smart ass that I pretend to be online.

I hope this will set me up for success.  I'm not saying this is forever, but I'm saying that I need become a good mommy first.  And, I need to use my time to create the products that I want to market online, FIRST.

SO. . . Goodbye virtual unreality. . . until we meet again, go fuck yourself!  I'm going to live in the REAL World for awhile!!